A Drama in Two Scenes
1.
Interior, Olympus
Zeus: Hades! What brings you up here? You usually stay underground!
Hades: Great Zeus, ruler of us all! I want a wife.
Zeus: Well, they’re an awful lot of trouble, trust me.
Hades: But I know who I want—no, who I MUST HAVE! Persephone, most beautiful maiden of our kind! But her mother, Demeter, won’t allow it!
Zeus: Demeter, hmm? Yes, our sister can be so stubborn! But listen, you go right ahead and take Persephone, and just let me handle Demeter! She’s only a woman, I’ll set her in her place!
Hades: Thank you, great Zeus! We are truly fortunate to have you as ruler of the cosmos!
End scene.
2.
Interior, Olympus
Zeus: Drat and confound it! What in the world is wrong with the world? Why aren’t there any sacrifices?? I need sacrifices!
Athena: Great Zeus, there are no sacrifices because livestock need grain, and there is no grain because Demeter won’t let anything grow.
Zeus: Double and triple drat! A perfect hekatomb of drats! That insolent woman! Hermes! Go get her right away! I’ll put a stop to her putting a stop to growing plants!
Exit Hermes.
Enter Hermes.
Hermes: Great Zeus, Demeter says, “Get stuffed.”
Zeus: Why, that—! Iris! You go talk to her! You’re both women, maybe you can persuade her!
Exit Iris.
Enter Iris.
Iris: Great Zeus, Demeter says, “Go chase a cow.”
Zeus: Rrrrrrrggghhh!!!
(repeat with other Olympians)
Athena: Father, I think you know what you need to do.
Zeus: Rrrrr!! Fine! Fine! Hermes, go tell Hades he better let Persephone go! Hopefully he can think of some trick so Demeter won’t make a complete fool of him!
Exit Hermes.
Zeus: Oh, the indignity! The ruler of all that is, chief of living beings, reduced to giving a woman what she wants!
Athena (aside to Hera): Wisdom suggests it’s better if you only sneer quietly right now.
End scene.